The Person I Lost Was Me
"I'm not who I think I am."
This from one of my besties the other day. The moment I heard those words, I was like, "Yes! Of Course!" My spirit was finally solidly landing in the space my psyche had not been able to quite flesh out.
I'm not who I think I am.
I've been trying to organize around how to talk about Oneness. This belief that most spiritual practices hold, regardless of ideology. There is this inherent, fundamental idea, thought, that we are all one.
It's almost impossible to put into words, but I do feel I've had a toe in the experience at least a few times:
once during a San Pedro healing for New Orleans, post Katrina; once when I essentially had a psychotic break, after losing my dad; and just now, for a period of about 3 months, after spending some time in Guanajuato. The thread that runs through is a feeling of expansiveness that allows for a degree of wisdom and insight that exceeds what happens in my morning sit. In this space I KNOW truth and in a few words, truth is "there is no lack, therefore, no want/suffering" (see Outside Time).
Ok, yeah, but when I am here, on this plane, IN TIME, how do I manage my discomfort!?
Helloooooo.....
In that expansive space, I am not embodied, as I am in my morning sit. I am with Everything, with All. Returning/re-embody-ing (not a word, lol) is psychically, spiritually, emotionally and sometimes even physically painful. The upshot, I get to ask questions! So yes, there is a deep listening that is happening but I don't have to be completely passive. I can ask questions, gain clarity on things I need support with or feel confused, afraid, curious and/or confounded by. And, I can continue with the questions once I'm back. Often I am more clear on what I should be asking and how. This is helpful. Though I will say, as with any conversation with Spirit, I don't always hear what I want to hear. This is where
faith + trust + gratitude = humility
comes in.
This place of humility is a practice.
The messaging these days is:
Let It Evolve
At the tail end of this most recent brush with Oneness, I found myself in a grief spiral. I've had at least two great losses in the past 8yrs, my dad and DJ. In addition to the daily loss that comes with living. It took me a while to realize that it was in fact grief driving this particular psychic, spiritual, emotional and ultimately physical discomfort. Grief is a Sneaky Pete and often disguises itself as oh so many things. Once that awareness bloomed, I was able to organize around how to orient my healing.
What I've landed on in the past couple days, in the spirit of Oneness, is that the person I lost was me. When we lose a great love, a parent, an intimate friend or partner to the other realms or otherwise, we in essence, lose ourselves on some level. The people we love reflect us back to ourselves. In many ways they ground us in our held identities, the "good" and the "bad". Often, when they go, a part of how we see and hold ourselves go as well. The nuanced way in which they held and reflected us back is no longer present, and that leaves a space. Or the nuanced way in which they held and reflected us back remains, despite the harm it fostered, and continues to take up space (sometimes this can be even harder to reconcile).
Depending on how much your sense of self, sense of self-worth, sense of safety, sense of access to resources, sense of _________ was wrapped up in said person (or dynamic, situation, job, experience, etc) necessarily impacts the size of the space you are left with or still hold. And depending on the size of that space, your identity might be shook.
The flip side of this, is when something or someone new comes into your life, and possibly reflects something maybe you didn't know or hadn't had a chance to really tease out or explore. Whoa! Now we're cooking with gas! This too, though exciting, may come with it's own brand of grief, loss, transformation and evolution.
Identity shifts.
All this to say, this is a kind of Oneness, one of the ways it shows up in everyday life, for all us. The way we hold and shape each other in our identities by reflecting one another back, over and over again. This is easiest to recognize in/with those closest to us, but exist in even the most random relationships and encounters as well. You've had some version of the old lady in the park that says just the right thing or smile in such a way that brings tears to your eyes and you don't know why...that's it. Or you've been that for someone else!
I often know who I am by what those close to me tell me about me. In the way they love me, share with me, engage with me, one way or another. And my love and admiration for who they are is not only about who they are but also the parts of me that feel resonance and alignment with their parts <3
Of course we are all shifting and changing in every moment, so I've been holding this Oneness that I speak of with grace and compassion for myself and my loved ones. Recognizing that as I, we, they shift and change so will our relationship to one another, again, this isn't always smooth and easy even when we want it, so...
Let It Evolve
So yeah, "I'm not who I think I am" because who I am is not who I was. She was great and I am different and quite frankly, I don't know all the things about me yet, ha!
a little musical fodder
Here's Where the Story Ends - The Sundays
Where I End and You Begin - Radiohead
Zorbing - Stornoway
💗💗🙏🏼