Five Red Dots

I awoke this past Sunday morning and fell right into my morning sit.

The night before was relatively uneventful, the morning felt welcoming.

It would be hot, as it had been the day before and even though the heat had come on a little suddenly, I was looking forward to it.

At some point during the prep of my second cup of coffee and my morning musings, I found myself stenciling the hole in a sheet of graph paper.

I found that I wanted five vertical dots slightly spaced.

I found that I wanted those dots to be red.

I found that I wanted those dots to be tattooed on the right side of my right forearm.

I found that it had to happen right now.

By 1:30 that afternoon, they lived on my arm.

I have been in this place of rising up to meet myself and not knowing and/or being surprised by who is there. There is a great excitement and curiosity in this and the low-key nervous anxiety of the unknown. Couple that with potentially meeting unknown parts of myself and wheil......Five Red Dots.

I have quite a few tattoos, so that is not the strange part. The strange part is that, until I was stenciling the hole in the graph paper, I had no idea I wanted/needed Five Red Dots, let alone that they would be a part of me by early afternoon, same day. And, I had no idea what they meant to me, why they were showing up, what story, about me, they were telling.

Wild.

I love the Dots.

I forgot they were there immediately.

I was surprised every time I brushed my arm in some way that reminded me they were.

I marveled at their insistence to be there, as if they had always been; and my acceptance that, of course they had.

In the days since, they have began to tell me their story, my story.

I feel honored and held and fierce and loyal and free.

It feels like an old and timeless story and it feels like now.

I am taking my time.

I am going slow.

There is both joy and grief here.

There is both love and fear here.

With everything, for the past while, there has been this nagging desire to be "settled", to "be back", to "feel done with..." This left me with a bit of impatience towards myself, some of my feels, emotions, experiences, time spent with self and/or others. Generally, less grace, empathy or compassion I would like to hold for myself or anyone.

This was/is harmful.

There is no finish line.

It is just me and me, always and forever. So I may as well savor every moment, even the unexpected, awkward and/or uncomfortable ones; they too are trying to tell me something I don't know yet about me.

a little musical fodder

• Astral Plane - Valerie June

• Reminiscing - Little River Band (you to you)

• Do You Know Where You're Coming From - Jamiroquai