Hey there, wanna hang out?

Hello lovelies, we are coming into the dark time, the shadow time. For years I would enter this time consumed with anxiety and fear. The cold days, the long nights, my mind, my thoughts...a bit of a hellscape. Despite my fears and anxieties, Spring always arrived, the light came back and I remained intact (so to speak)...

and here we are again. My fears and anxieties look and feel a little different now, mostly because we have become friendly...

into the night I fall with faith, trust and gratitude: humility.

I spend a lot of time on my own, I say on my own as opposed to alone because I am never really alone. I have all the other me's, for one. I have my guides and I have Me, the physical, present, here and now, me. And I love it! I would like to say I always loved being on my own, but I did not. I had to grow into it, practice it even.

My bestie, Charles, flew the nest when we were 19-20ish; from the moment we met at 15 we'd been inseparable. He was the only boy allowed in my room! All that to say, with Charles, I was not only not alone, I could almost hide. Don't get me wrong, he's not obnoxious or rude or an asshole, he's just one of the brightest lights the world has ever seen and I basked in it. When he left to find a place that could really hold him, in all his glory, I was literally left in the dark.

Being the Scorp that I am, I immediately started troubleshooting how I might now live comfortably in a world essentially without Charles. Wheil...I put on my finest Docs and I started taking myself out. Yes, I had other friends but none of them filled the hole Charles had left. I felt naked without him. The only way to fix that was to get out there on my own. I went to bars alone, I went dancing alone, I took myself out to lunch, I took walks and bike rides, alone. This may sound like "duh, whatever" to some of you, but this was hard for me. My own company, in public space, was not a happy place for me. I was anxious, self-conscious and afraid. Like really afraid, like I might be harmed. I'd always let Charles take the lead, so my personal social skills were not as honed as I might have liked. But I kept at it. What I began to learn about me, was that I actually liked my own company, maybe preferred it, ha! AND my people/social skills were more than adequate. Folks seemed to enjoy talking and engaging with me. I came to realize I had a light of my own that shone fairly bright.

I still missed Charles terribly, but I learned to self-soothe, take care of me. I eventually left the nest as well so that I might be held, in all my glory. Charles and I only live two hours away now but still don't see each other nearly enough. Luckily we are two bright lights in this wild world, kinda always basking in each other's glow.

(I love you Charlie)

Despite all of the "a-ha" moments and the growing self-confidence that came out of this practice of self-love, yes, that is what I am calling it because that is what it was(is). It took me many more years to really believe, integrate and stand tall in all the lovely things I have learned and know about me, from me! Mostly because, in my experience, we have to learn about ourselves over and over again. Not because we are dense, but because in every moment we are a smidge different from the last. On purpose time spent with self is integral to continual self-knowing, self-love.

So go ahead, ask you out to that new exhibit, to bicycle along the river, to try that new spot...I bet you'll say yes, ha!

a little musical fodder

• Motorcrash - The Sugarcubes

• Dance This Mess Around - The B-52s